Tick Tock.

When you start your first job, there’s an obligated sense of urgency that you haul around. Because you want to prove yourself. So naturally, everything must happen immediately. Nothing can wait. Not the emails, not the answers and certainly not your coworkers. Because when you doubt yourself in all other aspects of your job, punctuality is everything. I think punctuality is a grossly underrated trait. When someone’s asked to describe what they look for in [...]

May 2, 2013

The Things.

It’s incredible how much our parents influence us. And rightfully unavoidable as we grow up watching and observing them. Adhering to their interpretations of rules and morals and then applying these perspectives to our own thinking. For years they spoon-feed us life lessons on how to be a tolerable human and along the way, they teach us how to do things. And naturally, once we advance into adulthood, we realize the only things we know how to [...]

Feb 10, 2013

In The Field.

My dad sometimes career counsels me to help me explore different job options, as I’ve expressed to him on several occasions that I’m not a fan of the office setting in general. It’s stuffy and depressing.  And I seemed to have developed an allergy to dim lighting and a hostility towards beige. The mildew of the color spectrum that coats every wall and machine in the building. A flat and lifeless shade that even the [...]

Jan 16, 2013

Uprooted.

I received an email today and was insulted by the nonchalance of its content. A merciless announcement that my team is being relocated in the building. Now, this is the second eviction email I’ve received within a year to move departments. I was downgraded last year from a cushy cubicle to a cold counter top that lines a room, one I share with 13 other pissed off employees. We call the room ‘The Cave’ because [...]

Jan 11, 2013

It’s Not Me, It’s You.

Eagerness is never an attractive quality in the dating world. Because when you’re on a date, the last person you want to be around is one who’s overly attentive or too enthusiastic with the idea of your time. You don’t want them to appear like they’re trying too hard because it comes off as pathetic. Now flip to the professional world and it’s a completely opposite playing field. Playing too cool gets you fired while [...]

Dec 20, 2012

A ‘Toast’

When I was a kid and wanted to get out of doing something, I would run to the kitchen, toast an English muffin and then press the hot bread against my forehead in order to fake a fever. This happened pretty much every Sunday my parents decided to be religious. I grew up Catholic but church wasn’t a normal event in my family except for occasions and holidays.  So every time one of these special [...]

Dec 6, 2012

Blindsided.

Something strange is happening to my body. And not in the fourteen and I feel funny sort of way. It’s more of an, I feel 85 and this isn’t funny kind of thing. What’s this bizarre physical change your body undergoes once you enter the work force? It’s like this professional puberty you hit, and suddenly you shoot into this accelerated aging process. And the dim lights and crappy chairs that define unfavorable office conditions [...]

Oct 1, 2012

My Childhood Pet.

Password protection is sort of an anomaly. Think about it… if you’ve been prompted to disclose secrets about the street you grew up on, the name of your childhood best friend, or the elementary school you attended, you’ve clearly forgotten the password you use on a daily basis. Now, how the hell is someone supposed to recall a piece of information from 18 years ago when they can’t remember a password they made 18 days [...]

Sep 16, 2012

Safe Word.

Ah yes. The safe word. Not sure if you have one? Sure you do. It’s that one word you uncontrollably sputter in front of crowds once your brain shuts down from attention you’re not ready to endure or arguments you don’t know how to defend.  You could be the most eloquent damn person around, but when you’re challenged to prove it publically, you’ll cling to it for dear life. Like you once clung to your [...]

Sep 11, 2012

Bathroom Breakdown.

When I think about it, most of my daily bathroom runs, have nothing to do with my small bladder whatsoever. In fact, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve sought shelter behind a bathroom stall. Too many to count. There’s just something strangely comforting about them. Maybe it’s because they make the perfect hiding places. Who am I hiding from? Everyone mostly. Being in a stall is like locking yourself inside a little [...]

Aug 28, 2012

We’ve Gained Some New Learnings.

Hammer this line into your brain. And remember it for the rest of your life. I have witnessed countless executives talk their way out of the deep end by simply reciting those words. They could be challenged to defend the negative outcome of any results, and as long as their answer is sealed with that line, no one questions them. It’s like magic. ‘You say our strategy tanked and we wasted half the client’s budget? [...]

Aug 15, 2012

The Hangover.

Have you ever found yourself unreasonably hammered on a weeknight? Like, trashed to the point of no return? Where, no matter how hard you try to fake sobriety, you’re pretty much screwed for work the next day. This feeling…. Is probably the worst feeling in the whole world. Right next to the actual hangover. Because this wave of irrational guilt and anxiety floods over you and you try, in your irrational state, to fix it. [...]

Jul 31, 2012

Job Titles.

Job titles are a funny thing. I find everything about them awkward. Like the choice and order of words that are placed together to describe someone’s role within an agency. Really? That’s what you do? In your professional opinion, those are the words that perfectly sum up what it is you do. Mr… Mr… Vice President of Experience and Insight. Oh shit, really? Basically what you’re saying is your job is the exact opposite from mine [...]

Jul 11, 2012

Baby Talk.

People have a soft spot for babies. Especially women.  More specifically, working moms. So it doesn’t surprise me that all the women in the office freak out when a coworker brings their child in. Bringing your baby to work is like show and tell for adults. It’s like saying, “Hey everybody! Come see what I made!”…  And when the baby bomb hits, estrogenic chaos ensues. I’ve never seen anything like it. These noises that adults [...]

Jul 3, 2012

I Remember My First Beer.

There is something about drinking a beer at work that delivers a heightened buzz. It’s the strangest feeling… Especially since this should be the one situation in which my young age actually works to my advantage. In a world where experience and wisdom come with age, alcohol tolerance is a talent that gets harder to maintain over time. And as a girl not too far removed from the keg-standing collegiate world – I’m a good [...]

Jun 22, 2012

Decisions Decisions.

Have you ever gone to the grocery store after a long day at the office? If you have, you understand that it’s the worst decision you could ever make. In your entire life. Because at the end of the day, the last thing you want to do is come to one more goddamn conclusion about anything. And suddenly, the twenty teeny choices you’re faced with in the produce aisle seem harder than any of the mind-wrenching [...]

Jun 14, 2012

The ‘To-Do’ Diet.

Have you ever written down a really advanced workout routine only to get to the gym to look down at your list and think to yourself, ‘What the hell is an elevated cross tap side plank extension?’ And suddenly you find yourself tripping over your own limbs and pulling muscles you never knew existed? That pretty much sums up the inner workings of my brain any time I attempt to comprehend any sort of verbal or [...]

Jun 4, 2012

Out With The New.

One word. NEW. A seemingly innocent adjective not known for slighting it’s succeeding nouns. But let me tell you something. That word. When placed in front of the wrong noun…Will ruin your life. Or at least your day.  In this particular case, that measly three letter word destroyed tracking for a substantial number of commercials. And that’s putting it lightly. I usually tune out metric jargon too, so I’ll keep this simple. There is a box. On a form. [...]

May 31, 2012

Professionals Wear Belts.

Right? I mean don’t they? At least that’s what I tell myself as I string mine through my belt loops in the mornings.  It’s odd. I didn’t start wearing belts until I landed this job. In fact, I’m not even sure where these belts of mine came from. I don’t buy belts – never have. Yet suddenly I’m pulling belts out from my closet and matching them to my choice of shoes for the day. [...]

May 24, 2012

Penvy.

I have a confession to make. I’ve become that person. The scum of the office. A pen thief. I know what you’re thinking. People hate people like me, and with due cause. I can’t be trusted. If you leave me alone with your pen you’re not getting it back. I just can’t bring myself to spend money on such simple office supplies. Some people will shell out ten dollars for a pack of 2 pens. [...]

May 24, 2012

PLEASE READ – You are holding up reporting.

I have been mistaken. I mentioned in a previous entry that the fate of the company doesn’t fall on the shoulders of a measly assistant. Turns out it does. According to the Time Accounting Coordinator, Sloane, the outcome of billing for the entire company relies solely on the prompt delivery of my time sheet. I’m acutely aware of this fact due to a delightful email I received from her this morning. Please enjoy the following [...]

May 24, 2012

Metabolic Meltdown.

As I shed the springy lifestyle of a college grad where noon could easily mean breakfast and lunch time fell to my leisure, the idea of a designated lunch “hour” is something I’m still trying to wrap my mind and metabolism around. According to my birth certificate I’m 24, but according to my body composition test, my metabolism lands me at the ripe age of twelve. Twelve year olds don’t belong in an office… Is this [...]

May 24, 2012

The Printer.

The hardcopy hero of the electronic world. The machine that’s paved the way for paper pushers everywhere… My nine to five nemeses. If there’s any sign from God that I don’t belong in the corporate world this is it. I’m an Assistant Account Manager;  the fate of the company doesn’t rest on my shoulders, but the fate of the client conference call does when my team requests five hard copies of storyboards for a meeting. 11×17, landscaped [...]

May 24, 2012

Hovering.

There is something hauntingly nerve-wracking about training for a new job.  “Shadowing” is a deceptive term that glosses over the truth behind the painful process. They should call it job hovering… a distracting and uncomfortable practice marked by throat clearing and corrections from the authoritative figure trailing behind you. Shadows are unobtrusive, holding no reservations or judgments. They’re quiet. Hovering on the other hand is as intrusive as it gets. This whole notion that performing under [...]

May 22, 2012